Children’s television has changed a lot since we were kids. There’s more animation. More bells and whistles. And last but not least, there seems to be more drug-addled writers involved in their storylines. The best thing about these shows, as annoying as they are, is that if they give you five minutes to yourself to get a shower, they’re no longer crappy but total lifesavers.
I asked some twin mums and some friends, together with my own research (I couldn’t make it through one whole episode of LazyTown though) to help come up with the worst and most annoying shows for toddlers and young children today. Thanks to the girls for these direct quotes, they are golden. Enjoy!
10. Playschool- Ok, so I’ll admit I had a hard time putting this one in the list. But it’s here for two reasons. The first is that they do unrealistic craft activities that make mums feel inadequate that they can’t make a house out of toilet rolls. Secondly, I don’t know if you’ve seen the video that has recently gone viral, but THEY’RE TEACHING YOUR KIDS HOW TO MAKE BONGS. Admittedly totally unintentional, but it still deserves a mention and to provoke you to wonder why the hosts are so chirpy all the time.
9. Grandpa in My Pocket– Jason and Jemima’s Grandpa shrinks when he puts his special cap on to teach them lessons about life. Firstly, and most obviously, the most ridiculous thing about this show, even more ridiculous then a shrinking Grandpa, is that the boy’s name is Jason Mason. Thanks for that, Mum and Dad. Mum thinks Grandpa is watching her kids, but really, he’s flying around the living room in a toy plane. Great supervision there.
‘The actors look like actual serial killers.’
‘The little boy Jason is such an annoying twit.’
8. Small Potatoes- Just a bunch of root vegetables that act like people and talk about their monotonous every day lives.
‘Who the f thinks up such a pathetic excuse for a show and then has their own offspring sing the f’ing idiotic songs that are so out of tune your ears bleed just so they don’t have to pay real talent? AND the actual speaking parts are so frickin ridiculous! Shits me immensely.’
7. Hoopla Doopla!– This show is set in the town of Hoopla. There are only six people who live in Hoopla, and there is a 4:2 male to female ratio. With only six people in the one town you’d think they’d all contribute properly to looking after Hoopla. What they actually do is circus tricks all day, shouting ‘Hoopla Doopla’ whenever the fuck they feel like it. A woman narrates what they’re doing throughout Hoopla, which makes you wonder where she’s watching them from. Is it like a Truman Show thing? I don’t fucking know.
‘Hoopla Doopla… Seriously, what a bunch of circus retards! The narrator pisses me off too…. Stupid bitch.’
6. Dirtgirlworld- I don’t know where to start with this one. Dirtgirl is an awesome gardener, and she drives a tractor. I don’t know how old she is, or where the freak her parents are. Her head is disproportionate to her body, and her facial features are real, sounds freaky right? It is. The songs are annoying as shit and the bugs can talk. I’ll stick to ‘The Wiggles,’ thanks.
‘This show is particularly scary with their abnormally large bobble heads and the bug that looks like a rapist.’
5. LazyTown– I don’t really know what to say about this show. Words escape me. I do not like this. Not one bit. A pink haired girl named Stephanie moves to LazyTown with her uncle. She gets everyone exercising and eating well. The villain of the show Robbie Rotten and the good guy, Sportacus look like they run a meth lab. I would not be okay living next door to either of them. You be the judge.
‘The bad guy is kinda creepy.’
4. Peppa Pig– This show should be called ’50 Shades of Boring.’ Who wants to see Peppa talk excitedly about her new cuckoo clock for five minutes? Not me. My boys love Peppa, in all her boring glory. In this day and age with all the other crazy shows on this list it probably makes me want to eat my own eyeballs because nothing actually happens. If you want a sure fire form of torture, when the DVD ends, leave the theme music on loop. Been there before.
‘Peppa Pig… I want to make her into bacon and fry her up for breakfast! That voice… And my 3 LOVE IT.’
3. Dora the Explorer- Dora, everyone has a burning question… WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOUR PARENTS? Who lets a six year old explore the world with a monkey, a talking backpack and a map? Furthermore, for a kid who has been allowed to roam the world on her own, she sure has no fucking idea. The fact she has to ask your 4 year old child whether she can use a key or a bridge to cross a river is an issue in itself.
‘She is a yell talker and the bit where she waits for you to reply. Awkward af! My daughter just asked for it and I said it was broken.’
2. Yo, Gabba Gabba!– A group of people took acid together when they created this show. It’s whack, man. Bands such as My Chemical Romance and MGMT have made guest appearances. Surely everyone was stoned. The host looks like he should be on a Colgate ad, his teeth are so freaking white. The robot creatures are just plain strange. Don’t watch if you’d like to sleep tonight.
‘This crap just goes on and on and on into infinity. Seriously, what are these gross foam things even supposed to be? The DJ or whatever he is looks like he wants to murder everyone he sees.’
1. In The Night Garden– Ok, so how do I put this nicely? THIS SHOW IS A FUCKING NIGHTMARE. The child goes to sleep and is taken to a secret garden in the night, full of bizarre creatures that don’t speak English. Iggle Piggle walks around with a cloth all day, and Upsy Daisy’s bed follows her around so she sleeps wherever the fuck she wants. It’s like a bunch of crack addicts on acid got together to create this show, and that is why In the Night Garden tops my crappiest list.
‘Macca Pacca can packa his crappa and go elsewhere!’
Hope you all enjoyed reading this list as much as I enjoyed writing it. Doing the research for it though, now that was another story. I wish you a day full of Shaun the Sheep, because that is one kid’s show show that is actually bloody awesome.