Toddler Rearing 101

I’m gonna say it.  We’re all thinking it.  Toddlers are egocentric mini dictators.  They run the household.  They’re moodier than Britney Spears circa 2007 with the whole head shaving thing.  Your day can be ruined if the cup is the wrong colour.  Nobody wins.

In all honesty though, dictatorship aside, I really love this age.  They have their own personalities and have full conversations with me and they are pretty adorable.  I could hug them all day.  But with twin toddlers, I do feel a little outnumbered, so I’ve come up with some expert strategies to cope with your toddler’s flamboyant behaviour.

  • You’re kid won’t eat what you put in front of them.  Stop fighting it.  Instead, let them eat the 2 day old Tiny Teddies off the floor.  Bonus, it saves time on sweeping which you weren’t going to do anyway.
  • Your toddler throws a tantrum at the waterpark because you ask him if he wants to go in the water.  Hello?  That’s why we came to the waterpark in the first place.  Now, in this situation, just grin and bear it while everyone stares at you.  When people stop ogling, slip your kid a sweet to silence them.
  • No, he doesn’t want the red cup.  He wants the orange one.  Buy a few items of every toy and piece of Tupperware you own in the exact same colour, so you won’t have to deal with this problem.  You may send yourself into debt, but at least if you have four orange cups, one is sure to not be in the dishwasher.
  • Your little human wants to play with your phone.  He isn’t gentle with it, and you have a date with Pinterest.  Pretend it’s ringing.  Answer it and in a serious voice, explain to your toddler that his father will bring him a treat if he stops grabbing your phone.  When your husband gets home with nothing, at least he looks like the bad guy and not you.
  • He wants to play on the trampoline but won’t wear his hat outside.  Put him in his pram or highchair right next to the trampoline.  Put your own hat on and jump on it yourself.  It’s a great workout and your toddler is sure to get the point after a minute or two.
  • Occasionally, you are finding your little darling will drop a swear word in front of your inlaws.  Blame their son for his colourful language, when you know full well who said ‘oh shit’ when she dropped her keys this morning.
  • Your toddler is on a tirade of destruction and will not listen to anything you say.  You need three things in this situation.  A bottle of wine, a packet of Tim Tams and a cupboard you can sit in.  If the mum is hiding while the toddler is having a meltdown, did it actually happen?

I hope you enjoyed today’s parental advice.  No experts that I know of have suggested or tested these out, just as an FYI and using any of them in real life may not give you any form of desired parenting skills whatsoever.

But it’s okay to dream isn’t it?

Come to my house.  Bring the wine.  We’re in this together. 



One thought on “Toddler Rearing 101

  1. Thank you for clarifying that I am not alone in this! 🙂 Honestly I pretty much always give in unless there is something harmful involved. I am a firm believer in picking your battles and hugging out the tantrums no matter how ridiculous or annoying to me, seems to work on the whole and having toddler twins renders me too tired for any other alternative! Now to empty a cupboard for future events… wine sounds good too.


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